letting go is the most painful yet!

Wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet.

i flipped through this cleo magazine when at that very moment, i should be doing my revision..
that was during my study week..this FIRST LOVE matters made me to stop flipping..
my eyes started to run through every words and sentences of it..

first love..aged around 16-20 years old..minimum 2 years and not more than 5 years..the hardest to be forgotten..

this info stuck in my mind till today..

while i was reading, my brain was busy analysing the information..
guess what!!!!  i went through that stage..

i was 18 when i met this awesome guy. he's a senior..final year in my institute..
the first time i met him was when we were practicing for the tesl night..first impression?
quiet..serious..not bad!
we became close after a few meetings..i didn't know that he has a girlfriend..

until he told me..
after few months, he broke up..and i guess i was the rebounder..haha..
nevermind..i loved being with him anyway..
he's nice..wise..loving..caring..all those positive personalities!
being with him made me happy..being around him made me lively..
we had lots of fun together..we did crazy stuff together..laughter, smiling faces were there 24/7..
i still remember the first time i went to Penang Hill..he brought me there and we spent time taking pictures and acted as though we were doing discovery thingy..
we went to the Butterfly Farm in Feringghi..and guess what, even though there were nothing much to be enjoyed, we did had fun. maybe the aura of the butterflies..i don't know.. =)

for my birthday on the first year together, he made me cry. tears of joy, happy, touched..it was a mixed feeling. he kidnapped me that night just before midnight and brought me to gurney. i know that we're going to watch midnight movie..clock was ticking and it was 12 midnight..he pulled me to a corner near the escalator, and gave me a card, birthday card. i opened it and read the content. i was beautiful. the words and the message. i cried. then i received a little pink box..with a ring..his present for me. i cried again. i didn't care what people might say at that moment. he hugged me. i still keep his gift.

for my birthday on our second year together, he bought us the same phone. if i were to mention every single things here, the list will be a very long one. all i can say is that i keep his presents and gifts. we were getting more serious in our relationship. i changed a lot. he did too. at some point, we decided to see our parents. he must meet my parents beofre i can meet his, that was the condition given by his parents. thus, we arranged everything.

this is the guy im talking about!

unfortunately, my dad broke my heart into pieces when he said that he won't accept any of my choice of guys, including him. thank god that it happened before he came. i stopped him from coming. and told him what had happened. i was moody for few days. maybe a week. or more than that. i can't remember myself. i isolated myself from the world. i used the time to think about it all over again. and at last, i made my decision.

he couldn't believe of what I've just said. he couldn't believe that i wanted to let him go. "don't give up". "we'll work on it". but i closed my ears, my heart and my mind. i won't forgive myself if he stays as a bachelor till old days. to avoid something bad like this happen in future, it must happen now. separated, that was the best for us. after a few weeks sleeping in tears, we became friends. it was hard.still hard to accept the truth that he's now no longer my special someone. awkward. however, i had to do it for my parents. i had to do it for him and for me. i had to do it for everybody's sake. i had to do it even though my heart screamed not to. my mind went crazy for months. my eyes were soaking with tears all night. i had to. there were not other way. this is the way. the one and only.

at the aged of 20, i lost my first love. the one who i learnt almost everything from. the one who be with me in any condition i was. the one i shared everything with. the one i loved the most. though i cannot be with this wonderful guy for the rest of my life, i'm glad that i had spent 2 years time knowing, sharing and loving him. i lost him now, but the bittersweet memories will stay in my mind forever. i won't forget my first love. i won't forget him. i really hope that we can stay as friends, best friends! i just pray the best for him. hope he'll find and marry someone better. someone who loves him. someone who will not break his heart like i did.

zaid zubir

1433 H..alhamdulillah!

Tahun 1432 hijrah sudah pun melabuhkan tirainya..tahun baru bermula sudah!

alhamdulillah i still have the opportunity to live till today~

salam awal muharam buat semua saudara mara ku di luar sana..

dengan harapan tahun baru ini lebih bermakna buat kita..

what's my azam for this year? i wanna be a better person. yeah..in n out. a better person. 

but, to achieve this goal, i must work hard. i have to work for better. laziness will bring me down. i have t discipline myself now..and i have to be open with critics and advice! 

i believe i can be a better person this year..yeah! gambatte to me..hak3!

till here..salam!

last day in penang for the year 2011!

vroooom!!!

tik tok tik tok tik tok...9pm!

leaving Penang to my hometown this time really made me sad. i felt sad to leave. i could feel that i'll miss something or someone in Penang. maybe i'll miss my life there. i don't know. 

before i left Penang, i went out with my friend..'bestfriend'..my ex..we did nothing much, talked, ate, walked, window shopped..felt weird to hangout with ex boyfriend huh..! i'm sorry dear, but i swear i won't go out with you alone next time..i could feel the awkwardness in me..not you..sorry!

-maybe because we're still new-

this is the car we viewed in Queensbay!!! gojes!

oke..lets get back to my story!

i did overnight just to pack my things and clear my room..that was damn tiring i tell you..i didn't sleep for the whole night, packing..and at 8 o'clock in the morning, i went down with mimi and zel to bargain for a store room to keep our stuffs..and guess what, i had to move my stuffs, heavy like hell you know..carried/pulled/pushed or so whatever the stuffs to a room downstairs..

had my shower at around 10 plus, 11..then zack called me to come down and get my breakfast he bought..thanks dear! =) i slept after i had my brunch..

i woke up at around 3..zel was not in the right happy face mood..mimi was there too..i didn't know what they were up to..i was dizzy and blurrrr..too blurr to think..

after that i went out with my bestfriend..and straight away to terminal..!

i arrived my hometown at 3.30..after a guy woke me up..thanks guy! and now, i'm happily staying in my hometown..yeah..planning to make my holidays to be an exciting ones! yehaaaaaaaaaaaaa....

mimi and guitar!

syok sendrik! =) 

my last photo in college for 2011..

unexpected move!

oke2..at this very moment, 11.10am..i should be in the exam hall answering the phonetics and phonology paper instead of writing something here..haha..
yeah..i came out earlier..i could finished answering the paper earlier..don't worry, i did check my answers and i am satisfied with it..
feeling cold and not well, i decided to come out earlier..30 minutes earlier..kinda feverish.. =(

so..lets hope that i get good results for this paper..my favourite okay!

nak kena telan panadol lagi ke niii..haishhh!!!!!!!

oke..i've planned the activity for today..after this, i'm going to the bus terminal with jojo to buy our tickets for balik kampung!!!  hopefully i can go back to my hometown this friday..even though i have to pack everything in the room (cam tongkang pecah) within 1 day (must be very tiring)..i have to do it..spe2 nk tolong tak?

that's the plan for today..haven't plan anything for the entire day yet..may be later..

tomorrow is my last paper for this semester, children literature..yeah, sounds easy..
hope that it is just a piece of cake!
have to prepare myself for this paper..sounds easy but it is not..

till now..see ya later..have a great day peeps!

consciously unconscious!

i always wonder how is it feel like going drunk..

the feeling of hangover the next morning..

i wonder how is it feel like too much adrenaline running in your body..

when you feel so energetic..

but what you can do is sit there and do nothing..

have you ever experienced the above situation?

cause i have!

for today is the second day of the examination, and i had 4 free days for my revision, i bought 3 in 1 white coffee..guess what, i got addicted with this white coffee..yummy! 

last 2 days, i drank too much coffee..thus, over dosage of caffeine in my body. i got really excited and energetic..because i was thinking about examination, i tried to do my revision. seemed like i failed cause my brain didn't work.. i couldn't think, couldn't analyse and so wateva. so i chatted with mimi. she was overdose too. we talked, we stalked, we chatted with guys, we danced, we jumped around in the room, played guitar, hugged that guitar, we laughed, we moaned, we kept silent, we ate, we googled and we texted friends.

at one point, we couldn't even spell the word right. we couldn't count right. we couldn't see the numbers right. mimi panicked. i didn't feel anything. we stayed up doing nothing till dawn. omg! 

mimi and i did try to get some sleep..at 7 am! at that moment, i texted zack and wished him good luck for his exam. and i asked a favour from him whish was to call me after he finished his paper. after that, mimi and i continued talking bullshyt and we laughed and laughed and laughed over a very small not funny at all matter. see, we were consciously unconscious as we didn't know what we were talking about for the whole night. i couldn't remember! 

at last, we did get some sleep for 3 hours after one night stand doing nothing. that morning, i felt something wrong somewhere. when i got the call from zack, i just couldn't open my eyes. dizzy. headache. blurrrrr. i sat up. and i tried to think, blank! i couldn't think. i couldn't manage myself at that very moment. after a few minutes, i could think but at the slow pace. what had happened the night before, i couldn't recall at that time.. yeah..is this hangover?

we went blurrrr for the whole day..even though we did some revision, but it wasn't enough. we spent time on something else instead of studying..nervous, curious, can't-wait-this-to-be-over feeling, fear, confident..everything mixed up!! screw us!

at night, last night, i drank coffee again..this time, i didn't go through the same situation, instead, i had a very painful stomached.  i couldn't do my revision nor sleep. at last, i forced myself to sleep at 5am after zack spent almost an hour talking to me on the phone, wanted me to feel better. thanks dear.

guess what? without much preparation, mimi and i sat for the exam. thank God that the questions wasn't that difficult. i could write something and i'm pretty confident with myself. i felt better if i were to compare with the first paper. =)  we'll just have to wait and see the result. hopefully it is not that bad..

and yeah..i realised that i was consciously unconscious...its a great experienced you know..nyte alll!        

Ivan Kow Yu Huan!

who's Ivan? why him? i'll tell you why i wanna write about him today.. =)

first of all, let me introduce Ivan. he's my senior in college. next semester, 2012, will be the last semester he's here. i realised his existence when we organised TESL night.

Ivan is fun..caring..loving..sweet..sometimes he can be a gentleman who melts women's hearts..sometimes he can be the meanest person on earth! he loves to smile..so far, he doesn't get angry yet! we (jojo, mimi, ivan and i) always went for dinners or lunch together, sometimes just two of us. we're siblings (not biologically).

lepaking at star wars~

he loves to do that face..haiya..

after almost 5 months knowing Ivan, i personally like him as a friend. he's a good friend. last friday was his last paper for this semester final exam, and he went home on saturday morning. i spent last few hours with him and my girls, mimi and jojo..we had dinner together..hangout..playing truth or dare..he hates that game but still he did answer the questions! so sweet of him. we had fun..seriously i love that moment.

with mimi..he treated us ice-cream!

before we returned to our college, he treated us ice-cream. (sayang u ivan!) hahaha...and we laughed, we joked, and we said good-bye. i'm kinda missing him at this moment. haish... 6 weeks..sounds so far away..what a period of time..i wish he can stay for a while..for another one week..hahahaha..

its okay. i'll meet him again next semester. i can hangout with him, jojo and mimi again. but there's something that came to my mind..is there any other time for him to spend with us? because next semester will be the most hectic, disaster, the busiest semester for him..PRACTICUM! hmmmm...

anyway..hopefully he'll arrive home in one piece..and hope to see him again...after this holiday!! 

Miss u bro~

awesome tragedy~

what a night..

i searched for a car..felt like going out tonight..spending the whole night outside..

at last..very last minute..there was a car! 5 of us, we went out and had some fun..

i brought my guitar along, sitting on the beach with my friends..awesome..

we talked and played a game.. TRUTH OR DARE!

gosh..it was crazy..ha3..as i got many dare that i couldn't do..i could but my friend couldn't do it.. 

in the middle of the game, mimi received a phone call..yeah, project!

jojo and jay left zack and me alone..

talking about life, people and stuffs to someone who has the similar interest and everything like you..i had a great time..i have to admit that i like to talk to him..i taught him to play guitar..chased him on the beach..just sat there with complete silence..get to know him..more about him..yeah, i felt great! thanks dearie..

after that, it rained..and we moved to another place..gurney drive! we sat there just for a while cause it rained again..then, he drove to padang kota. we spent most of the time there.. sat there.. i tried to solve my rubik that i couldn't do it for how many days. still, i failed. jojo and jay had a great sweet time together. talking to each other.. mimi, she tried to get the feel of the homeless people which she thought easy to do..the truth is, its hard for someone to be homeless.

feeling bored..we drove to have our breakfast! yeah..i was so hungry yaw! i ordered half boiled egg which then spilled because of jojo..ordered again, cause i wanted to eat it by hook or by crook..and i ordered some bread and roti canai..i let zack finished the bread while i just enjoyed my roti canai.. mimi ordered bread too with coffee.. jay and zack? drinks..that's all.. jojo had bread.. simple breakfast at a simple place with awesome people..unforgettable baby!

a night that i won't forget..i will remember this night..cause there were awesome people..who made my night!

Takbir Bergema..

Bila takbir bergema di Surau Al-Falah, aku sedang melangkah ke Tesco untuk makan malam bersama Jojo dan Zel. Aku diam, tiada sepatah kata, tiada sekuntum senyuman..complete silence. Hati ku berbisik, rindu rumah. tidak pernah sekali aku mendengar takbir tanpa keluarga tercinta di sisi. Kali ini, aku hanya ada rakan-rakan untuk meraikan Aidil Adha. Satu pengalaman baru bagiku. Di kesempatan ini, aku ingin mengucapkan Salam Aidil Adha buat semua. =)

new blog..again!

i'm so forgetful..i forgot the password and email address for my last blog..so i create another one.. =)

gonna put lots of effort to make this blog alive..