letting go is the most painful yet!

Wanting him is hard to forget, loving him is hard to regret, losing him is hard to accept, but even with all the hurt I've felt, letting go is the most painful yet.

i flipped through this cleo magazine when at that very moment, i should be doing my revision..
that was during my study week..this FIRST LOVE matters made me to stop flipping..
my eyes started to run through every words and sentences of it..

first love..aged around 16-20 years old..minimum 2 years and not more than 5 years..the hardest to be forgotten..

this info stuck in my mind till today..

while i was reading, my brain was busy analysing the information..
guess what!!!!  i went through that stage..

i was 18 when i met this awesome guy. he's a senior..final year in my institute..
the first time i met him was when we were practicing for the tesl night..first impression?
quiet..serious..not bad!
we became close after a few meetings..i didn't know that he has a girlfriend..

until he told me..
after few months, he broke up..and i guess i was the rebounder..haha..
nevermind..i loved being with him anyway..
he's nice..wise..loving..caring..all those positive personalities!
being with him made me happy..being around him made me lively..
we had lots of fun together..we did crazy stuff together..laughter, smiling faces were there 24/7..
i still remember the first time i went to Penang Hill..he brought me there and we spent time taking pictures and acted as though we were doing discovery thingy..
we went to the Butterfly Farm in Feringghi..and guess what, even though there were nothing much to be enjoyed, we did had fun. maybe the aura of the butterflies..i don't know.. =)

for my birthday on the first year together, he made me cry. tears of joy, happy, touched..it was a mixed feeling. he kidnapped me that night just before midnight and brought me to gurney. i know that we're going to watch midnight movie..clock was ticking and it was 12 midnight..he pulled me to a corner near the escalator, and gave me a card, birthday card. i opened it and read the content. i was beautiful. the words and the message. i cried. then i received a little pink box..with a ring..his present for me. i cried again. i didn't care what people might say at that moment. he hugged me. i still keep his gift.

for my birthday on our second year together, he bought us the same phone. if i were to mention every single things here, the list will be a very long one. all i can say is that i keep his presents and gifts. we were getting more serious in our relationship. i changed a lot. he did too. at some point, we decided to see our parents. he must meet my parents beofre i can meet his, that was the condition given by his parents. thus, we arranged everything.

this is the guy im talking about!

unfortunately, my dad broke my heart into pieces when he said that he won't accept any of my choice of guys, including him. thank god that it happened before he came. i stopped him from coming. and told him what had happened. i was moody for few days. maybe a week. or more than that. i can't remember myself. i isolated myself from the world. i used the time to think about it all over again. and at last, i made my decision.

he couldn't believe of what I've just said. he couldn't believe that i wanted to let him go. "don't give up". "we'll work on it". but i closed my ears, my heart and my mind. i won't forgive myself if he stays as a bachelor till old days. to avoid something bad like this happen in future, it must happen now. separated, that was the best for us. after a few weeks sleeping in tears, we became friends. it was hard.still hard to accept the truth that he's now no longer my special someone. awkward. however, i had to do it for my parents. i had to do it for him and for me. i had to do it for everybody's sake. i had to do it even though my heart screamed not to. my mind went crazy for months. my eyes were soaking with tears all night. i had to. there were not other way. this is the way. the one and only.

at the aged of 20, i lost my first love. the one who i learnt almost everything from. the one who be with me in any condition i was. the one i shared everything with. the one i loved the most. though i cannot be with this wonderful guy for the rest of my life, i'm glad that i had spent 2 years time knowing, sharing and loving him. i lost him now, but the bittersweet memories will stay in my mind forever. i won't forget my first love. i won't forget him. i really hope that we can stay as friends, best friends! i just pray the best for him. hope he'll find and marry someone better. someone who loves him. someone who will not break his heart like i did.

zaid zubir